DONE! It is still sinking in. I honestly can not express to you the magnitude of this. It is a weight lifted that I didn't realize was quite so heavy. I don't know how to begin to thank everyone, but my eyes are filled with tears and my heart wants to burst. We could not have done it without your help. Praise God, but on the heels of this I have come to realize I have so much to learn about God. God has been dealing with my heart.
So, this little revelation may have taken me an embarrassingly long time to reach, but—It is not about me. I think I know what I want and what I need. I was singing on Sunday and the words, "Here I am Lord" and it really hit me... my prayers around our adoption are all centered around me: "Please let our kids come home quickly." This is my heart's desire, but on Sunday I realized how much I am caught up on this, and then it hit me even harder that God is probably saying, "Kristen, this whole thing was my idea!!"
Oh yeah.
This was all God's plan after-all. He had to clue me in on it, and I am only a participant.
Okay, not rocket science, but this should change things, right? This does not change the longing that I have to know my children, but it most certainly does change the perspective. I am (we are) so small. To think and pray only in our little tiny worlds is really narcissistic, don't you think? I have been thinking very small. God's desire is to get these kids home, I do know that... but how much further does his plan reach? Wow, that is a thought.
There's also the matter of trusting. You see, I know that I am out of control... I know that there is NOTHING that I can do to make things speed up, but do I have even an inkling of how big my God is? I recently heard a quote, "There is not one inch of the universe that the Lord Jesus does not say, 'That is mine.'"
Just maybe God's plan is to not only give these two children a momma, but to also build this momma's character.
Okay, so it's not about me, and I have very little vision past my own selfishness. But there's more...
Patience. I'm realizing just because you have no choice in the matter does not give you patience. Patience according to wikipedia is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way; or exhibiting forbearance when under strain, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties.
Yep, I do not have patience. I am trying to handle my "delay" without it affecting me negatively, but I feel like this has been like taming King Kong. And it has been a little destructive, but I am trying to overcome it daily. God gave me a few people to aspire to: Noah waited 120 years and endured ridicule for his promise to come to pass. Abraham and Sarah waited 25 years for their child, all the time watching their bodies becoming increasingly older. Joseph waited 13 years in prison before his promise came to pass and he became a position of power in Egypt. So there is a promise to hold tightly, while battling King Kong, "Those that have faith and patience inherit the promises" Hebrews 6:12.
So today I feel honored to know that I am a player in the plan God has had in place... no matter how long the wait is. God just called us to obedience and we have done everything we can. And GOD is so much bigger than I give him credit. He is showing us a glimpse of this today through the generosity of so many people that HE IS IN THIS, with $29,140 raised!!!
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